Oh, For Another Accident (part 2)

[casualtheatrics2]

< < Part 1


*

Vivian had organised the stag do for a full week before the actual wedding day, and when Arthur perused the itinerary properly, he could see why. Not only had Vivian ignored his mother’s edict and booked a twink stripper to jump out of a cake, she’d also booked out a whole gay club’s VIP area, ordered five hundred cherry-flavoured vodka jelly shots and five hundred orange-flavoured vodka jelly shots and arranged for a large pack of cards to be set up for Ring of Fire – a drinking game that Arthur had encountered once or twice at university, mainly thanks to Leon, and had wished to never encounter again.

The day before the stag-do, Merlin texted him.

From: Merlin
Should we have got them themed t-shirts?

From: Arthur
No. Why?

From: Merlin
Just seen an old friend of mine, who works for a t-shirt printing company and will do this for me for free. Nice souvenir?

From: Arthur
Will people want a souvenir from a stag party between two gay men?

The reply from Merlin was a long time in coming, and when it finally arrived, it was a picture message.
From: Merlin
Made us matching t-shirts.


Arthur wanted to weep. Instead he texted back, I AM NOT WEARING THAT. GET LOST., and turned his phone onto silent for the rest of the day.

*

Sadly, for Arthur, Merlin turned up on his doorstep, awful t-shirt in hand, a few minutes before they had to leave for the godawful stag-do.

Arthur was already dressed, but Merlin insisted he swap his freshly-pressed shirt for the t-shirt, pouting when Arthur point-blank refused.

“But Arthur,” Merlin said with only half-feigned sadness. “Our dads will think you disapprove of their love!”

Arthur muttered something about “definitely disapproving of something”, and whisked his shirt off. He turned to take the t-shirt from Merlin, only to find the other man staring at Arthur’s bare chest with an expression of pure want.

“Merlin?” Arthur said uncertainly.

Merlin shook his head and snapped out of it. “Sorry,” he grinned, handing over the t-shirt. “I went all pigs in space for a moment there.”

Arthur smoothed the t-shirt over his chest and stared at the lettering on the front. Son of the Bride, indeed.

Merlin held out Arthur’s coat and said, “Come on, we’ll be late.”

Arthur followed Merlin out of his flat and down the stairs to the waiting taxi. The Stag-Do of Doom was about to begin.

*

The club was packed, and Arthur suspected that a decent proportion of the crowd were paparazzi photographers trying for a shot of Uther Pendragon sucking the face off some twink on his stag do. He prayed it wouldn’t happen, but across the room, he spotted Uther downing jelly shots and dancing with a lithe young man Arthur recognised immediately.

Merlin’s face was shining with excitement as he looked around the club. “I love this bit!” he yelled in the direction of Arthur’s ear.

“What bit?” Arthur yelled back.

“The scoping the room to check out the fitties bit!” Merlin laughed.

Arthur began to reply but Uther caught sight of him and waved him over. Nodding in the direction of their dads to let Merlin know where he was sloping off to, Arthur began to wend his way through the crowd.

Uther, three sheets to the wind, greeted Arthur with a huge hug. “ARTHUR! MY BOY!” he yelled, gesturing between Arthur and the young man Uther had been dancing with. “THIS IS CEDRIC! HE WORKS HERE!”

Arthur nodded politely and steered his father away from ‘Cedric’. “Dad,” he said gently, “Cedric is not his real name and he does not work here. His name is Cornelius Sigan and he’s a journalist with The Daily Gossip.”

Uther frowned. “But he’s such a nice man!”

Arthur sighed and pushed Uther towards the VIP area, where the rest of the stag party were shrieking in pleasure as an actual employee poured tequila down his chest. Arthur winced when he saw Bayard, a business colleague of his father’s, pounce on the kid and start licking it off.

Uther whooped with glee, and shoved Bayard off the slightly damp kid, to smear orange vodka jelly on the kid’s chest and proceed to lick it off enthusiastically.

Arthur buried his face in his hands and took a deep breath. He only had to stay for a couple of hours. As he lifted his head from his hands, he found himself face to face with Balinor, who smiled at Arthur and engulfed him in a hug.

“My favourite step-son to be!”

“Hi, Balinor,” Arthur said, gritting his teeth and trying not to punch his future step-dad in the face. “How are you?”

“Great, great. Sorry about the weed,” Balinor said with a sheepish smile. “My experiments often go wrong.”

Arthur opened his mouth to reply, realised he had nothing to say that wouldn’t end in him calling his father’s fiancé a “total utter dickhead” and closed his mouth again. Balinor patted Arthur’s shoulder.

“I’m getting a drink,” Arthur sighed and walked towards the small bar in the corner of the VIP area. As he approached, he realised the barman looked vaguely familiar, and as he drew closer, he recognised Gwaine.

“Gwaine!” The first genuine smile of the night spread across Arthur’s face. “What are you doing here? You didn’t tell me you were back in town!”

Gwaine, an equally broad grin plastered across his face, stepped out from behind the bar and greeted Arthur with a hug. “I just got back yesterday, and my uncle needed a barman for tonight. I was going to call you.”

Arthur slapped Gwaine on the back. “Well, I’ll have my usual, then,” he said cheerily, pleased his old friend was back in town.

“A beer and blowjob?” Gwaine’s grin was wicked and sultry. Arthur caught and held Gwaine’s gaze.

“To start with,” Arthur said in a low, sexy voice, and watched as Gwaine hurried off to pour Arthur’s drink.

A hand on his elbow made Arthur start, and he turned to find Merlin standing at his side. “Merlin!”

Merlin’s brow was furrowed and his eyes followed Gwaine’s movements behind the bar. “Who’s that?” he asked, voice curious and tight.

“Gwaine. An old friend of mine. Here, I’ll introduce you,” Arthur blundered thoughtlessly. Merlin shook his head. “That’s OK. You’ve got catching up to do. I just wanted to know when you thought we should do the cake.”

Arthur shrugged. “Sooner, rather than later?”

Merlin nodded and glanced at his watch. “Ten minutes?” When Arthur began to nod his agreement, Merlin turned on his heel and stalked off. Arthur watched him go in slight confusion.

The ten minutes passed quickly whilst Arthur chatted with Gwaine – he only realised it was time for the cake when it was wheeled in past him.

Uther was shouting for Arthur to join him at the cutting of the cake, and Arthur raised his eyebrows at Gwaine. “I think,” he said, wry smile on his lips, “I preferred it when my father married crazy trolls.”

“I think I preferred it when mine married women,” came a tart retort in Arthur’s ear. Merlin’s lips were pressed tightly together and he glared at Arthur, before adding, “Cake time.” He again turned his back on Arthur and walked off.

Arthur followed him, wondering how best to apologise and explain that his remark had been a joke. The whole evening felt forced and awkward – if it wasn’t his father’s stag do, Arthur would swear the whole outing smacked of middle-aged men trying desperately for one last hurrah to recapture their long-distant youth. Instead, he tried to see it as a ‘no-holds-barred’ party, but that didn’t sit comfortably with him.

With everyone gathered round, Uther pretended to cut into the cake, and everyone oohed and aahed in pleasure as the cake fell away to reveal a skinny twink with intense eyes. “Uther Pendragon?” the boy said. When Uther nodded, the boy said, “I’m Mordred, and I’m your…entertainment for the evening.”

Arthur turned back to the bar, to find Gwaine pouring the double whiskey he knew Arthur would need. Arthur indicated that Gwaine should pour one for himself too, and turned to find Merlin’s eyes on him.

“It would be nice,” Merlin said icily, “if you could keep your mind on the issue at hand, and not on your potential shag.” Arthur shrugged it off – Gwaine was an old friend. An old friend with benefits, and this was his father’s seventh stag do. If Arthur was honest, the forced partying was getting old and the prospect of a commitment-free shag was appealing. Especially with Gwaine.

Shortly after Mordred lap-danced Uther and Balinor into a pliant and lusty state of being, Merlin began to exuberantly organise people into a large game of ‘Ring of Fire’. Arthur slunk away to the bar and when everyone was thoroughly engrossed in watching Uther try to down the Dirty Pint, he allowed Gwaine to tug him backwards into the small staff room to begin his evening’s entertainment.

*

The end of the evening rolled around quickly – Arthur was surprised to find his father still standing, as Uther appeared to have consumed a large proportion of the vodka jelly – and a significant amount of that had been licked and sucked and chewed off the chest of the cake twink, Mordred.

“ARFA!” Uther slurred, wrapping his son into a tight hug. “ARFA I LOVE YOU.”

“I love you too, Dad. Shall we get you home?”

The club was near-deserted now; a few hard-core clubbers still dancing to the pounding bass line of the music, despite the overhead lights being switched on and a harried looking barmaid beginning to sweep up the cups and napkins on the floor.

Uther looked around. “Where’s my husband-to-be?”

It was, if Arthur was honest, a good question, and one that was answered when Balinor staggered from the toilets, dried vomit down his t-shirt. Merlin followed behind him, sober and looking disgusted at his father.

Balinor wrapped an arm around Arthur’s shoulder, and Arthur recoiled at the acrid tang of sick. “Balinor, get off me, yeah?”

Balinor burped and chuckled. “Mmm, tastes like jelly!” he said in a cheery voice and Merlin snapped.

“For God’s sake, Dad!” Merlin grabbed Balinor by the arm, slung said arm over his own shoulders and started hauling his father towards the exit. “You’re a bloody disgrace, you fucking moron.”

“Hey!” Balinor looked offended and tried to pull away from his son. “I’m your father, you can’t talk to me like that!”

“I have never been more ashamed to be your son,” Merlin spat. “You’re fifty-two years old. You’re bloody well old enough to know better.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, your Lordship,” Balinor snarled mockingly. “Is it a crime now to want to enjoy my life? To spend it with someone I love? We can’t all be bitter about the end of our miserable, pointless relationships.”

Merlin stopped walking. Their argument had carried the foursome out of the club and up to the pavement. Merlin’s face was like white marble, as he dared his father, “Say one more word. Go on. One more.”

Balinor pulled away from Merlin. “Just because Will didn’t stick around for your wedding day, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to hold back.”

Merlin punched his father in the face, and Balinor went down into a pile of rubbish bags. Sprawled on his back, Balinor looked up as Merlin glared down at him. “Fuck you,” Merlin said softly, and disappeared into the night.

Arthur looked between Balinor, reclining on the rubbish bags and covered in sick and blood, and Uther, who was now resting his head on Arthur’s shoulder and dozing slightly. Fuck his life.

Luckily, Gwaine appeared next to him, coat in hand and said, “Want a hand with that, mate?”

*

Arthur awoke the next morning, pressed warm into Gwaine’s side, with dried come still crusty between them. It was a pleasant way to wake up, although Gwaine was looking at Arthur with hooded, wary eyes.

“Morning,” Arthur said, stretching up for a kiss. Gwaine turned his face away.

“Morning, Arthur.”

“What’s wrong?” Gwaine and Arthur had never been anything serious since their break-up, but Gwaine never shied away from affection.

“I was thinking about that guy, yesterday. Merlin?”

“Balinor’s son. Yeah. What about him?”

“He was jealous. Also, hot, but mainly jealous.”

Arthur frowned. “Jealous? What of? Me?” His heart sank as he thought of Gwaine seducing Merlin. Actually, they’d be perfect for each other, and he felt a moment’s misery as he imagined having to watch his friend and his step-brother together.

Gwaine shoved Arthur in the shoulder. “No, you fool. Of me. With you.” With that, Gwaine pulled away from Arthur’s embrace and started to pull on his clothes. “I’ve got to be going,” he said, back turned to Arthur. “I’ve got stuff to do.”

Arthur sat up in bed. “Gwaine…?”

Gwaine turned back and pressed a kiss to the corner of Arthur’s mouth. “This was fun, yeah?” he said, gesturing between the two of them. “Really fun, but I think we both know it’s run its course.”

Arthur felt confused as he lay there and watched Gwaine finish dressing and leave. He hadn’t noticed Merlin being jealous. He would have noticed, surely.

He reached for his Blackberry.

From: Arthur
At: 10.23am
Hi Merlin. Are you OK? Got the dads home safely. Did I owe you money for the t-shirt? A x

From: Arthur
At: 11.56am
Hi Merlin. Phone’s playing up, don’t know if you got my text earlier. Are you OK? Want to grab lunch today? Analyse last night’s party? A x

From: Arthur
At: 1.42pm
Hi Merlin. Everything alright? Want to grab a coffee this afternoon?

From: Arthur
At: 4.08pm
Merlin. R U OK? Y/N? Ax

By 6.17pm, Arthur acknowledged that Merlin probably was not going to text back. He uploaded the photographs from his phone to his computer and opened a new email.

From: arthurpendragon@pendragonsmithdulac.co.uk
To: m.emerson@camelot.ac.uk
Subject: Last Night
Attach: dads.jpeg, dads2.jpeg, cake1.jpeg, cake2.jpeg, tshirts.jpeg, vodkajelly.jpeg, balloons.jpeg, balloons2.jpeg

Hi Merlin,

Thought I would email the pictures over to you from last night. Hope everything’s OK. Need to talk before next weekend – might be one or two issues to iron out.

Arthur xxx

Arthur stared at the kisses for a minute, before deleting them furiously. He felt enough of a sap without adding kisses into the mix.

By 9.59pm, Arthur acknowledged that Merlin was not going to reply to his email or his texts, however many times he pressed F5 and shook his phone to ensure there was signal. He crawled into bed, felt the crusty sheets and got up to change the bed. He missed his phone beeping, but when he crawled back between clean sheets, he saw the flashing LED that signalled a new message.

From: Merlin
I’m OK. Dinner Tuesday? x

Arthur sighed in relief and texted back.

From: Arthur
Good. Yes. I know just the place. Pick you up at 8?

From: Merlin
Lovely. See you at 8. Night night xx

From: Arthur
Night night xx

*

“My father is writing his own vows for the wedding ceremony,” was Merlin’s opening statement when Arthur turned up on his doorstep on Tuesday evening.

“Erm…that’s romantic?”

“He’s writing them in a made-up language he calls Dragonese.”

Arthur paused just inside Merlin’s door. “Sorry, say that again?”

Merlin shrugged on his coat, and switched off the TV. “My father is writing his own vows for the wedding ceremony to your father, and he’s writing them in his own, made-up language, Dragonese.”

Arthur watched Merlin smooth down his coat and said sarcastically, “At least he’s not doing anything stupid.”

Merlin laughed, and Arthur smiled to see the other man’s face crinkle and crease with pleasure.

“Come on,” he said, offering his arm to Merlin with a mocking bow, “let’s go eat dinner and work out what to do with our big gay dads.”

Merlin curtsied and took Arthur’s arm. “With pleasure, kind sir.”

*

Arthur awoke before his alarm when The Wedding Day finally rolled around. He lay in his bed in the still, quiet early morning and mulled over the morning’s activities, which largely centred around collecting the flowers and getting his father ready.

After lazing in bed for a few more minutes – and Arthur resolutely did not think about how very much more enjoyable it would be with Merlin someone there, thank you very much – he rolled out of bed, and padded towards the kitchen to put the coffee on. His daily newspaper had been shoved through the letterbox, and he snagged it as he passed. Regardless of what his father said, The Daily Gossip had excellent TV listings and always ran interesting arts stories. And if pressed, Arthur favoured knowing your enemy, rather than being assaulted by lies second-hand.

Sipping his first cup of coffee – always the best of the day – he unfolded the paper, and let his heart sank as he read the headline.

Eighth time’s the charm for Uther Pendragon!!
by Cornelius Sigan

Today, Uther Pendragon will marry his partner, Balinor Emerson, in a ceremony guaranteed to raise a few eyebrows amongst the Camelot elite. For not only is Uther Pendragon marrying today for the eighth time (!), he is marrying a man.
The pair met in Uther’s favourite gym, ‘The Throne Room’, and Emerson is rumoured to have approached Pendragon with the offer of a rubdown in a massage room, after spotting him in the weights room. Staff at the gym say the sparks were instant between the pair – although one member of staff, who does not wish to be named, suggested the sparks were more angry than passionate.
Regardless of their initial feelings for one another, Emerson quickly became an established presence at Uther’s side after the engagement was announced. This reporter has it on good authority that the remainder of the Pendragon family were not so pleased with this development – Ygraine Pendragon is rumoured to have smashed a whole box of her china in fury at the news!!
Arthur Pendragon, Uther’s only son and heir, was involved in a nasty accident on the night of the engagement announcement, and this reporter wonders if it was a ploy to distract attention from the news of the engagement. However, both Arthur and Ygraine are now fully on board the train of the Pendragon-Emerson marriage and have been intimately involved with the planning of today’s ceremony.
The wedding was celebrated with a raucous stag-do at ‘The Dark Tower’ last week, and this reporter had the chance to speak to a very drunk Pendragon.
“Balinor’s the one,” he slurred, “the one I’m meant to be with. My density!”
Of course, one could be forgiven for approaching this admittedly adorable statement with slight trepidation. Uther Pendragon has been married seven times before. In chronological order, they are:
1. Ygraine Pendragon (nee Cornwall)
2. Sophia Tiermore
3. Helen Mora
4. Catrina Tregor
5. Nimueh Kara
6. Elena Godwyn, and
7. Freya Halig
All marriages ended in divorce, and Uther is often seen with attractive young women in between ceremonies. He has no children other than the elusive, but drop-dead-gorgeous Arthur Pendragon, who celebrated his 33rd birthday last month. Arthur himself has yet to settle down, or form any long-term attachments – a fact which fills the women of England with hope. Is this a reaction to his father’s approach to the ‘disposable’ marriage?
Let’s hope this time, Uther Pendragon has truly found love and indeed, his ‘density’ with today’s marital partner.

Arthur dropped the paper in disgust. It was probably a good job that he had dragged Uther away from Cornelius when he did last week – otherwise who knows what might have been printed?

The list of step-mothers gave Arthur pause for a moment. His parents had divorced when he was sixteen – and he’d wanted it to be traumatic and tragic, but actually, it had been a relief. His parents never told him why they divorced, but when Uther had married Sophia within six months of his divorce being finalised, Arthur suspected the blonde girl had had much to do with it.

Sophia had been one of the more bizarre choices Uther had made – she had been a swimming pool salesgirl, and always wore a bikini under her clothes. Arthur vaguely remembered an insane obsession with fairies and that Sophia always had a faint whiff of chlorine about her. Uther had divorced her after just a year of marriage – Arthur presumed the chlorine thing had become old fast – and moved on to Mary.

Mary, or Helen as she was known on stage, was an opera singer – a very popular, very famous opera singer. Her fiery temper was notorious, as well as her penchant for unusual sartorial choices – she had often slept in a gold ballgown with a stiff collar. Arthur had already been at university when Uther married Mary, but the one time he had met her, she had been learning to throw knives. When she mastered the art, she had run away to join the circus. Arthur had never really figured out what her act was – although a friend had seen it and informed Arthur that it combined the fine arts of opera singing, knife throwing and taking-her-clothes-off.

Mary had given way to Catrina – Catrina the jailbird, who was currently serving time for embezzlement and fraud. Catrina had come complete with a wily, obsequious son called Jonas, who had been obsessed with rats and pleasing his mother. Catrina had been a wannabe society princess – she rated a poor second compared to Ygraine, even in Arthur’s biased opinion. Catrina was still incarcerated, and Arthur had been hugely thankful that she had notified them she would be unable to attend Uther’s wedding – due to the whole being-locked-up-to-protect-the-world-from-her-brand-of-crazy thing.

Nimueh had been a totally different kind of crazy, but she remained Arthur’s favourite step-mother. Nim had married Uther on a whim, in a Bedouin ceremony in the desert. The relationship had been one of passion and heady excitement – especially as Nim had a tendency to make hash brownies and sleep naked on the roof under the moon, to ‘commune with nature’. Uther had kicked Nim out when the truth emerged – she was already married, to a man named Tauren, and had made plans to destroy large corporations like the one Uther owned.

Despite Nim’s protests that she had left that life behind, Uther was immovable and booted her out. Arthur still saw her occasionally, although she mostly lived in the country and tended to her three goats now.

Nimueh had given way to Elena, the niece of a business associate of Uther’s. She was, ironically, the only one Arthur failed to muster up any sort of response to, good or otherwise – she had left Uther after just five months of marriage, because he didn’t love her and she didn’t love him, and they both deserved better. Arthur had met her twice before the wedding and just once afterwards. Elena has fallen over her own feet, tipped a jug of gravy down Arthur’s suit and nearly brained him with the mop trying to clear the mess up. Uther had found the clumsiness adorable.

Uther’s love life had died out after Elena – he remained steadfastly single until he met Freya over a year later. Freya was a zookeeper at the local zoo – she worked mainly with the big cats, and was obsessed with them. Arthur had popped by his father’s house one afternoon to find her curled up on the sofa, reading a tiger cub a story. She’d left Uther when she’d met a zoologist at a conference who was about to open a big cat reserve in Kenya. As far as Arthur knew, she was still there, unmauled and reading stories to the cubs.

And now, two years after Freya departed, Uther was marrying again.

Arthur harboured few fond memories of his array of step-mothers, and when it came to planning the wedding, Ygraine’s insistence on inviting all six of Uther’s ex-wives had given Arthur rather a bad headache. He wasn’t sure why all six ex-wives were supposed to witness Uther’s big gay conversion – but he supposed it had something to do with society’s rules.

He abandoned the newspaper and his memories and headed for the shower. It was go time.

*

“Dad! Come on!” Arthur yelled from the front door of the Pendragon Manor. “We’re going to be late!” He shifted the boxes of flowers in his arms and yelled again, “DAD!”

Uther appeared at the top of the stairs, bowtie crooked and shirt untucked. “I can’t do it,” he mumbled, avoiding Arthur’s gaze.

Arthur bit back a scream of frustration. “Of course you can, you love Balinor, now we need to go.”

Uther frowned at Arthur. “My shirt,” Uther clarified. “I can’t make my shirt right.”

Arthur sighed in relief. At that moment, just as Arthur was wondering how he could balance the boxes of flowers in one hand and tuck his father’s shirt in with the other, Leon and Percy ambled up the steps.

“Oh thank God,” Arthur smiled at them both. “Leon, take these.” He thrust the boxes of flowers at his friend and turned to Uther. Percy was already there, tucking in Uther’s shirttails and retying his bowtie.

“We’ll make a proper gay of you yet, Uncle Uther,” said Percy with a smile.

Uther chuckled. “I bottom. I think you’ll find I am a proper gay.”

Leon and Percy roared with laughter, whilst Arthur wondered if he could smother himself with a flower.

*

Ygraine had viewed many hotels before settling on her final choice. The Avalon has been rejected for being too traditional (they could have the reception, but not the ceremony, as they weren’t legally allowed to marry same-sex couples), and The Ealdor rejected for being too rustic (it had flowers in the fireplaces, Ygraine had told Arthur in horror. Arthur quite liked flowers in fireplaces). The Waterside has been rejected for being too small (the hall could only seat 200 guests – oh, the horror) and the Gatehouse rejected for being too big (the hall had to seat a minimum of 600 guests, and, according to Ygraine, they weren’t inviting ‘any old body just to fill a seat’.)

Perrault Manor had been rejected for being too bourgeois in its taste (quail eggs and asparagus was too ‘fancy’ for the Big Gay Wedding) and Godwyn’s was apparently too ‘casual’ in its seating plans (to be fair to them, they were only talking about one table having to use the bench along the wall…). Chateau d’Amour was rejected for being too French, whilst The Lieberburg was rejected for being too German. The Emporium was rejected for being too flamboyant (this was a classy Big Gay Wedding, apparently) and the Wine Cellar for being too subdued (classy but FUN).

Ygraine eventually had settled on Caerleon House as the venue – it was neither too posh nor too casual, and it had a large lawn on which a marquee was to be set up, as the ballroom was just a fraction too small to seat the three-hundred guests.

During the hunt for the perfect venue, Arthur had been furious with his mother for dragging him to every location, but as they pulled up in front of the white stone building and a man in uniform opened his car door to take the flowers, Arthur appreciated the effort she had gone too.

“Thank you,” he smiled gratefully, and the uniformed young man nodded once, sharply, and turned on his heel, bearing the flowers to their rightful places.

*

“Where’s your father?” Ygraine grabbed Merlin’s face and stared into his eyes. “Where is he? The ceremony starts in three minutes!!!!” She let go of Merlin and ran off to find Hunith.

Arthur shook his head. He was watching his mother look under some folding chairs for the elusive Balinor, when a bony hand gripped his arm. He turned to find himself face-to-face with Uncle Kilgharrah.

“Have you found your coinslot yet?” Kilgharrah asked urgently.

Shaking his head and trying to back away, Arthur replied, “Er, no, what?”

“Your coinslot! Time is of the essence, dear boy! The wedding today will all be for naught if you don’t find your coinslot!”

Merlin appeared at Arthur’s shoulder. “Uncle Kilgharrah, are you spouting nonsense again?” He winked at Arthur in a reassuring manner. Arthur wasn’t reassured.

Kilgharrah stared at Merlin. “Young mona, don’t dismiss my words as the ramblings of an old man. You may be young, but I am wise. You will find your money in time, and when you do….” Kilgharrah limped off, muttering to himself about coinslots and moneyboxes. He turned back and called to Arthur, “Young Pendragon! This wedding will grow the seeds of true love. True, abiding love!” before continuing his limp to his seat.

Merlin slung his arm around Arthur’s shoulders. “Come on, your mum’s going apoplectic looking for Dad. Time to face the music and marry our gay dads off to each other.”

Arthur groaned.

*

The ceremony itself was beautiful. Ygraine had chosen well, and he agreed with Vivian when she leant over in the middle of the opening speech and said, “I chose well with the roses, don’t you think?”

“Yes, you did,” he whispered back, then added, “Remind me to introduce you to Alined later on.”

Vivian’s face lit up. “Is he rich? Handsome? Charming?”

“Very, very rich.”

“Ooh, lovely,” she smiled.

Arthur turned his attention back to the registrar. He was intoning about the sanctity of marriage, and Arthur risked a glance over his shoulder towards the seats of the ex-step-mothers. Most of them dabbed at their eyes with a tissue, hissing to each other of the beauty of the ceremony and this pledge of love – most of them, but not Nim. Arthur caught her eye and grinned – she grinned back and waved slightly.

Arthur turned back to the front and watched as Merlin stood and approached the front of the room. The registrar cleared his throat and said, awkwardly and as if he had thought very hard about it, “Balinor and Uther have written their own vows. Balinor’s are in a language little known to most of us, so Merlin, Balinor’s son, will translate. Balinor, if you please.”

Balinor took Uther’s hand and clasped it to his chest. “Non didikai mora krissess,” he said in a low sibilant tone. Merlin swallowed, audibly. His voice was high as he deciphered the words. “You are the love of my life,” he squeaked.

Balinor continued, his deep voice caressing the syllables of the strange language issuing from his mouth. Merlin blushed and translated, “I burn for you.”

Giving Merlin a strange look, Balinor hissed the next line of his private vows. Merlin choked on air and translated, “I will be faithful always.”

The next line came flowing from Balinor’s lips and Merlin, puce with mortification, half-whispered, “I pledge my life to yours.”

The registrar nodded and smiled, before turning to Uther and asking him to read his vows. Uther smiled, and pulled a piece of paper from his jacket pocket. Merlin fled back to his seat next to Arthur. Whilst Uther pledged his devotion to Balinor, Arthur hissed, “What the hell’s wrong with you?”

Merlin pressed his lips against Arthur’s ear. “The proper translation was, ‘You are hung like an enormous dragon, but I prefer you to bottom. Here’s to a lifetime of twinks, porn and weed, at least until the next lady turns our heads.’”

Arthur thought he might have passed out for a moment in horror. He understood why Merlin had looked like he might throw up on the feet of the registrar. Uther finished his vows and the registrar said, in her cool, clear voice, “I now pronounce you husband and…”

She faltered for the briefest of seconds, before finishing, “…husband!”

Amidst the cheering, Merlin slipped away.

*

“Alined! How are you!” Arthur greeted the older man with enthusiasm. Alined smiled slyly at Vivian and said to Arthur, “I’d be better if you introduced me to your divine companion here.”

As Vivian glided forward, a predatory smile on her lips and an assessing gleam in her eyes, to introduce herself to the wealthy older man, Arthur snagged a bottle of champagne from the nearest waiter and sloped off to find Merlin.

His new step-brother, he supposed.

Merlin.

Arthur checked every table and both sets of toilets in the pavilion, before making his way towards the main building. Inside, the building was deserted. Arthur called out, “Merlin!” in a low voice.

“In here.”

Arthur followed the voice to the door to the ballroom. On the far side of the room, Merlin was sat on the floor, knees drawn up to his chest and his head lolling on his neck. Slipping inside the room, Arthur shut the ballroom door, and without thinking about why, locked it.

He made his way to sit next to Merlin, and offered the champagne bottle. Merlin took a sip and passed it back. They sat in companionable silence until…

“Yes.” Merlin’s voice came out of nowhere.

Arthur spluttered on the champagne he was swigging from the bottle, surprised by Merlin’s voice so loud in the quiet room, and coughed, “What? Yes to what?”

“Yes,” Merlin’s voice was confident now. “The answer to your question is ‘Yes’.”

“What question?”

Merlin looked at Arthur with his big, blue eyes and said, “When I first met you, in the hospital, you asked me a question. The answer is yes.”

Arthur thought back, and the memory sprang up in his mind: “Wanna have sex?” he had blurted at Merlin, more aroused by the man before him than he’d been in a long time.

“You want to have sex,” Arthur blurted as his mind caught up with his mouth. He blushed.

Merlin looked at him, steady and assessing. “Yes. With you. Now. Here.” He smiled faintly, self-deprecatingly at Arthur and said, “Isn’t that stupid?”

Arthur shook his head. “I want you. I’ve wanted you since the stupid hospital question. I’ll always want you, I think.”

Merlin’s face was calm with the faintest hint of red across his cheekbones when he said, “I’ve wanted you since the hospital too. I just thought…”

“Thought what?”

“That we’d be step-brothers. And it would be awkward.”

Arthur understood. He took another swig of champagne and said, “We are step-brothers. Now, anyway.” He handed the bottle over to Merlin.

Merlin sipped at the champagne. He licked his lips thoughtfully, and Arthur felt his dick twitch in anticipation. Merlin sucked in a breath before saying, “What about just once? I just need to…once…with you.”

Arthur took a deep breath and leant over to capture Merlin’s mouth with his own. Merlin tasted faintly like the champagne they had been drinking, and his lips were soft and smooth beneath Arthur’s.

Merlin kissed, Arthur realised, like all he was meant to do in life was kiss Arthur. The slow, easy glide of Merlin’s tongue against his own mirrored the clothes melting from their bodies as they moved together in the dusty, dim light of the ballroom.

*

Arthur opened his eyes. He must have dozed off, falling asleep with Merlin pressed into his side. Smiling into Merlin’s hair, Arthur tightened his arms around Merlin, before kissing him awake. Merlin arched into the embrace before abruptly withdrawing from it.

“Hi,” he said dully, glancing about him for his boxers and pulling them on.

“Where are you going?” Arthur reached for Merlin in confusion, but the dark-haired man slipped out of his reach, to shrug his shirt over his shoulders.

“We said ‘once’. That was once.” Merlin looked utterly miserable as he slipped into his suit trousers. “You’d better get dressed.”

Arthur sat up and blinked. “That was amazing, shut up, amazing sex. And you want to walk away from this?!”

Merlin paused, midway through tying his tie and said, “It’s not like I want to walk away, but that we have to.”

Arthur cracked. “Fuck that!” he snapped. “This is real. This is what I want. You are what I want. I don’t care if our dads just got married! I don’t care if this will traumatise the kids we’ll eventually adopt! I want you, and I mean to have you, Merlin.”

Merlin looked at Arthur, incredulous. “Are you serious?”

Arthur stood up and propped his hands on his hips. He felt pretty ridiculous, naked, flaccid and covered in the remnants of Merlin’s orgasm, but he stared Merlin down. “I want you. I’ve wanted you from the moment I saw you! If you walk away now, you’ll make us both miserable.”

“But what about…what’s his face from the other night?”

“Gwaine?” Arthur waved Merlin’s fears away with an airy hand. “We used to date, but we broke up – we wanted different things. When he’s in town, we usually meet up and if we’re both single, we…well, we might share a bed for a night or two. But there’s nothing more to it than that.”

Merlin shifted from foot to foot, scratching at the back of his neck. “What if it goes wrong?”

Arthur frowned. “What if it doesn’t? What if our dads break up, and we miss out on this? On each other?”

Merlin’s cheekbones were highlighted with colour and heat when he replied, “I don’t want to miss you.” He paused for a moment, before adding, “Let’s traumatise the imaginary kids. I want this.” He grinned, wide and warm and sweet. “I WANT THIS! AND I WANT YOU!” he yelled, wrapping his arms around Arthur’s neck.

A few minutes later, they stumbled out into the corridor and Arthur caught Merlin’s upper arm as Merlin tripped on a foot.

“Oops, sorry,” mumbled Uther into Balinor’s neck.

“What are you doing?” Merlin queried from his position against Arthur’s chest.

“Don’t ask,” Arthur said darkly.

Balinor nodded, and tilted his head back to give Uther better access. “Good idea. Bugger off, there’s some good boys. Oh, right there, Uther, you sexy fucker.”

Arthur and Merlin fled down the corridor away from their snogging fathers. It was Arthur’s turn to trip over a foot this time.

He stared in horror. “Mum?”

Ygraine lifted her head from Hunith’s earlobe and said, “Oh, hello dear.” She smiled. “Hunith and I were…”

“You too?” Merlin whimpered.

Hunith’s face softened, and she said, “Yes, Merlin, us too.”

There were a few seconds of silence, before Arthur turned to Merlin – who was silently freaking out – and said, “Well, at least this will make Christmas easy.”

Merlin laughed and kissed Arthur fondly. “Yeah, you’re right.”

*

From: Arthur
Friday 3.56pm
Hey, come home. I got a puppy!! Love you xxx

From: Merlin
Friday 3.59pm
You did what?!

From: Arthur
Friday 4.01pm
I got a puppy! Come on! Come meet him, he’s beautiful!

From: Merlin
Friday 4.15pm
I thought I said no kids yet?

From: Arthur
Friday 4.16pm
He’s not a *baby*! He’s a *puppy*!

From: Merlin
Friday 4.23pm
It’s a good job I love you. Leaving now.

From: Arthur
Saturday 2.35pm
Yesterday. Was it an *awesome* surprise?

From: Merlin
Saturday 2.37pm
Yes. I love you.

From: Arthur
Saturday 3.00pm
I love you too. You know that ‘I got a puppy’ was code for ‘I got you an engagement ring’, right? I haven’t really got a puppy.

From: Merlin
Saturday 3.04pm
Yes, Arthur. I got that.

From: Arthur
Saturday 3.06pm
Good. XXXXXXX P.S. Vivian wants to organise the stag-do.

~the end~

Comments

[giecast.livejournal.com]

ADJFDSJNSKLFDOJGLDSGDSLS AHAHAHAHAHA!!

That is pretty much my reaction to the whole fic. Though I did want to smack Arthur in the head sometimes cos-- Dude, why you taking so long to make a move?! Also Vivian is awesome in this. I had so much fun reading this. =)

[pylarwoman.livejournal.com]

THIS WAS SO MUCH EPIC CRACK, I LOVED IT SO! ♥ ♥ ♥

[dark-samira.livejournal.com]

How could this epic fic have just 2 comment?
It's AMAZING!!!!

People stop beeing lazy gits and give the author some deserved love, Ygraine would want you to!

<3<3<3<3

[roly-moly.livejournal.com]

Your Vivian is Epic, and I want one of my own (she knda reminds me of haw many people write Cordelia, when she worked for Angel)

[griza.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say that this was epic and crack-tastic!HAhahahahaha!

[casualtheatrics.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm very fond of Vivian in this story. Glad you enjoyed it!

[casualtheatrics.livejournal.com]

LOL! Glad you enjoyed it. I loved writing it!

[sutekikage.livejournal.com]

I don't think I've been so amused at a get together story as much as I have for yours, it was an amazing read, definitely have it mem'd <3

[casualtheatrics.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! :D I loved writing it and I'm glad you'll come back and read it again.

[sunny-rainfall.livejournal.com]

that was so cute :D lol balinor and uther omg

[(Anonymous)]

This was very entertaining! I am very amused, quite charmed and a little bit traumatised.

[wanderlust48.livejournal.com]

This was crack, and SO FUNNY!!I had a flashback to shows like Absolutely Fabulous, all your zany characters were full of snark. Omygosh!

[k-nightfox.livejournal.com]

This had me laughing my arse off from beginning to end. Kudos!

[raphale.livejournal.com]

THAT WAS THE BEST LAUGH I'VE HAD IN A LONG TIME. Gods, it was amazing ! So much madness ! I loved every bit of it, I needed that. Thank you so, so, so much !