being a guard is difficult, yo.
Oct. 23rd, 2011 02:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
casualtheatrics2Title: untitled
Rating: PG (for swears)
Summary: There was definitely false advertising in the job advert for 'Guard of Camelot'.
Notes: Bit of crack-tastic silliness inspired by Merlin 4.04 and my ridonculous week. Kinda spoilers for that episode. Unbetaed.
Robin remembered it like it was yesterday.
"Good morning, gentlemen, and welcome to the only job you'll ever need. Being a guard of Camelot! I'm Sir Leon, I'm in charge of the guards and I'll be responsible for implementing your training, starting with your WTC* training. Today, we'll be dealing with Proper Patrolling Techniques, then moving onto Five Ways To Hold Your Sword, and after lunch, we'll be looking at Walking With A Pike [Part 1]: How Not To Stab Yourself In The Eye."
Sir Leon had eyed the five men stood before him, and added, "Tomorrow, we'll be looking at the first Health and Safety module, 'How To Fall Safely From A Wall Should The Need Arise', and the second part of Walking With A Pike: How Not To Trip Your Colleagues Up. Then you'll be ready, on your third day, to get out there and patrol the castle walls!"
Robin had been so excited, even though he knew how to walk with a pike, and was well versed in most Health-and-Safety mandates, having come from the castle kitchens. Hey, a man could fancy a change of career! He was perfectly entitled to change his job from Chief Assistant Cake Baker To The Royal Confectioner, to something a bit...manlier. Royal Guard of Camelot was much more impressive. And buxom Sheila the Scullery Pot-Scrubber had agreed with him.
But he couldn't deny it any longer. After the last year as a Camelot guard, he wanted to go back to the kitchens and bake lavender cake for the rest of his life. Even if that meant surrendering buxom Sheila's charms to Ronald the Spit-Roast Boy. You only lived once.
This really was the final straw. Robin had been so pleased when Sir Leon had singled him out at drill practice three months ago and said, "Squire Robin, I like your technique. I think you're ready to start studying for your KVQ* Level 4! God knows we need more men like you about the place."
Robin had been thrilled, especially when on his first night out as a newly qualified Level 4 guard, he'd been placed alongside Old Bill, the most experienced guard in their team and situated in Area MVC*. This was a highly prestigious assignment and Sir Leon had clapped him on the shoulder. "Well done, Robin! Be warned though, you get danger pay for MVC and Old Bill's a gambler."
Leon had swept off in a swirl of red and gold cloak, leaving Robin gaping and not a little confused. When he'd arrived at the main vault door, Old Bill had been waiting for him. "Alright, there?"
"Yeah, thanks."
"Here's your danger pay."
"Yeah, about that," Robin said, tucking it into his money bag. "Why do we need danger pay?"
Old Bill tipped his helmet back to reveal a battered old face. "The vault guards always end up punched in the face. Or hit on the head. I was a handsome, smart man when I got this gig."
"And now?"
"I can't remember my three times table. Lots of bumps to the head, Gaius says. Makes you forget stuff." He paused, "What are we doing here?"
"We're working here? Tonight?" Robin prompts.
"Oh yeah, so we are. Did I give you your danger pay?"
**
Robin spat blood onto the sandy floor of the vault. Bloody hell, his nose ached. The kindly court physician helped him to his feet. "Be careful," Gaius said.
"What the hell happened here?" shouted Old Bill in terror, coming round to consciousness.
"Same as always," Agravaine said in a wearied voice. "Same as always. Some moron breaks into the vault, knocks out the guards and steals something of immeasurable value, in an attempt to overthrow the Pendragon regime. It happens on a weekly basis, I don't know why you haven't grasped this yet."
Robin wiggled his aching face and decided to beat a hasty retreat to the kitchens as soon as possible. Nothing was worth buxom Sheila's attentions. Nothing.
The End.
Sir Leon's Guide To Training New Camelot Guards [Glossary]
*WTC training = Welcome To Camelot training, compulsory training for all the new guards, involving the Five Essential Principles Of Guard Duty (1. You're Voiceless, But Not Powerless, 2. Swinging Your Sword To Save Someone's Life, 3. Bravely Risking All For Arthur, 4. Turning Evil And How To Be Subtle About It, and 5. How To Die Quietly So As To Keep The Focus On The VIPs.)
*KVQ = Knight's Vocational Qualification, a pointless and useless qualification that with each level, authorises the guard to do a new and more dangerous job. Level 1 is Walls: Guarding Them And Dying Quietly At The First Sign Of Trouble, Level 2 is The Main Gates: What To Do When An Oncoming Army Approaches, Level 3 is Corridors: How To Switch Off Your Peripheral Vision And Focus On The Stones and Level 4 is Dungeons And Vaults: Keeping Them Safe At Any Cost.
*MVC = Main Vault [Central], right by the main corridor entrance. Cards and dice played here as well.
[Haha, I wish I knew what I was on as well...]
Rating: PG (for swears)
Summary: There was definitely false advertising in the job advert for 'Guard of Camelot'.
Notes: Bit of crack-tastic silliness inspired by Merlin 4.04 and my ridonculous week. Kinda spoilers for that episode. Unbetaed.
Robin remembered it like it was yesterday.
"Good morning, gentlemen, and welcome to the only job you'll ever need. Being a guard of Camelot! I'm Sir Leon, I'm in charge of the guards and I'll be responsible for implementing your training, starting with your WTC* training. Today, we'll be dealing with Proper Patrolling Techniques, then moving onto Five Ways To Hold Your Sword, and after lunch, we'll be looking at Walking With A Pike [Part 1]: How Not To Stab Yourself In The Eye."
Sir Leon had eyed the five men stood before him, and added, "Tomorrow, we'll be looking at the first Health and Safety module, 'How To Fall Safely From A Wall Should The Need Arise', and the second part of Walking With A Pike: How Not To Trip Your Colleagues Up. Then you'll be ready, on your third day, to get out there and patrol the castle walls!"
Robin had been so excited, even though he knew how to walk with a pike, and was well versed in most Health-and-Safety mandates, having come from the castle kitchens. Hey, a man could fancy a change of career! He was perfectly entitled to change his job from Chief Assistant Cake Baker To The Royal Confectioner, to something a bit...manlier. Royal Guard of Camelot was much more impressive. And buxom Sheila the Scullery Pot-Scrubber had agreed with him.
But he couldn't deny it any longer. After the last year as a Camelot guard, he wanted to go back to the kitchens and bake lavender cake for the rest of his life. Even if that meant surrendering buxom Sheila's charms to Ronald the Spit-Roast Boy. You only lived once.
This really was the final straw. Robin had been so pleased when Sir Leon had singled him out at drill practice three months ago and said, "Squire Robin, I like your technique. I think you're ready to start studying for your KVQ* Level 4! God knows we need more men like you about the place."
Robin had been thrilled, especially when on his first night out as a newly qualified Level 4 guard, he'd been placed alongside Old Bill, the most experienced guard in their team and situated in Area MVC*. This was a highly prestigious assignment and Sir Leon had clapped him on the shoulder. "Well done, Robin! Be warned though, you get danger pay for MVC and Old Bill's a gambler."
Leon had swept off in a swirl of red and gold cloak, leaving Robin gaping and not a little confused. When he'd arrived at the main vault door, Old Bill had been waiting for him. "Alright, there?"
"Yeah, thanks."
"Here's your danger pay."
"Yeah, about that," Robin said, tucking it into his money bag. "Why do we need danger pay?"
Old Bill tipped his helmet back to reveal a battered old face. "The vault guards always end up punched in the face. Or hit on the head. I was a handsome, smart man when I got this gig."
"And now?"
"I can't remember my three times table. Lots of bumps to the head, Gaius says. Makes you forget stuff." He paused, "What are we doing here?"
"We're working here? Tonight?" Robin prompts.
"Oh yeah, so we are. Did I give you your danger pay?"
**
Robin spat blood onto the sandy floor of the vault. Bloody hell, his nose ached. The kindly court physician helped him to his feet. "Be careful," Gaius said.
"What the hell happened here?" shouted Old Bill in terror, coming round to consciousness.
"Same as always," Agravaine said in a wearied voice. "Same as always. Some moron breaks into the vault, knocks out the guards and steals something of immeasurable value, in an attempt to overthrow the Pendragon regime. It happens on a weekly basis, I don't know why you haven't grasped this yet."
Robin wiggled his aching face and decided to beat a hasty retreat to the kitchens as soon as possible. Nothing was worth buxom Sheila's attentions. Nothing.
The End.
Sir Leon's Guide To Training New Camelot Guards [Glossary]
*WTC training = Welcome To Camelot training, compulsory training for all the new guards, involving the Five Essential Principles Of Guard Duty (1. You're Voiceless, But Not Powerless, 2. Swinging Your Sword To Save Someone's Life, 3. Bravely Risking All For Arthur, 4. Turning Evil And How To Be Subtle About It, and 5. How To Die Quietly So As To Keep The Focus On The VIPs.)
*KVQ = Knight's Vocational Qualification, a pointless and useless qualification that with each level, authorises the guard to do a new and more dangerous job. Level 1 is Walls: Guarding Them And Dying Quietly At The First Sign Of Trouble, Level 2 is The Main Gates: What To Do When An Oncoming Army Approaches, Level 3 is Corridors: How To Switch Off Your Peripheral Vision And Focus On The Stones and Level 4 is Dungeons And Vaults: Keeping Them Safe At Any Cost.
*MVC = Main Vault [Central], right by the main corridor entrance. Cards and dice played here as well.
[Haha, I wish I knew what I was on as well...]
